"The Mystery of Maybe"

Maybe I'm not a writer. Maybe I'm not meant to ever choose one thing or label myself. I belong to so many tribes, live between so many worlds, it's hard to ever imagine considering my path as straightforward or concise. I am a creative spirit, but I have little to show for it. Lacking fruits of my labor, shall we say. I am an entertainer, but again, much of this exists within the context of Life, and not in a set-to-show arena. I am a nurturer, a protectress and an intellectual, but none of these things exude from me. As of late, I've had to embrace the role of leader, and realized that if I owned it, I am damn good at it. However, none of this ever feels satisfying, nothing ever satiates, and its not to say that there is some endless, abysmal void within, it is simply that I have begun to conclude that I am one of those souls, that perhaps, has already lived so many roles in former lives that this life, in many ways, seems to be filled with constant ennui. I used to be disturbed by the ennui, but I am now at peace with it. Maybe this will shift, maybe something will put fire under my ass so hard that I have no choice but to explode with momentum. It's not that I am not passionate about causes or art or change or psychology or yoga or animal welfare or fashion or dance---all the interests I always held dear remain close to my heart. Except, none of it seems that important anymore. I tangle mentally with the possibility that there is some form of complacency being born in a real way here, some lack of goal-reachng or an acceptance with where I am that is not really acceptable. Sometimes though, life, itself--the little things--get in the way. They get in the way so much that you can't always visualize where you'll be in the next 5 years or even care anymore, b/c you're worried about where you're going to live for the next 5 months. Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes warns us about this type of ennui, and I heed her teachings, b/c this very blog was built upon her wisdom and named in honor of what she bestows in her lessons. Still though, being in love and having peace there, and learning how I can not, even a little bit, deal with drama directly in my sphere, has given me some tools of maturity that, although painful to receive, have made me all the wiser. One of my closest friends told me yesterday that she worries I am not in a financially stable place, and that at our age, it's a big deal to not be creating this. I then clarified how I have no debt and though my earnings are essentially at what would be considered "poverty level" (haha!), b/c I have 0 debt or real bills besides my cell phone, that probably puts us at a similar range of earning. Ok I didn't say that last part but the point is, in order to maintain an attitude of abundance, we can't even let ourselves go there. I am at the juncture in life, where I am forging my way into "independence" and so need to be mindful of every dollar spent. But that does not mean that I am spiraling into an impoverished state of mind. Because most of us are struggling with the material form of money, it is vital that we shift into abundant thought processes, in order to maintain sanity and momentum toward our TrueWealth. The Wealth of the Inward Revolution. Maybe I'll never travel just one path and be satisfied. Maybe I'll never be one of these overly ambitious, non stop powerhouses (who generally, from what I've observed never actually seem all that happy or fulfilled anyway), or maybe something will open up and I will transform into Creative, Enterprising, BusinessWoman_+Writer +Performer Extrodinnaire. But I doubt it. That's not negativity. It just IS. And the next step here is--examining whether or not that truly leaves me feeling OK or whether not dreaming and thinking big scare me, b/c I am so used to desiring that which I have not yet attained or even come close to attaining. Sometimes You just need to stop longing and wishing and hoping and praying. That is called resting in the essence. And when I move into it, it feels a little strange, but so peaceful.
All I think of these days is peace.
Peace of mind, Peace in your Heart, Peace on this Complicated, Beautiful, Horrid and Astounding planet of Beings with endless potential for Evolution. . .
Let nothing disturb your Peace. If your desires are decreasing that which you quietly reside in within this moment, let them go. No one, nothing, ever can take away the gift of Peace that The Creator gives us. Even if we have unfinished karmic debts or whatever, WE make the choice to play this out as we must. Other peoples value systems on our lives are meaningless.